Still still here - Aria MacDonald

Still still here

Yup we are still here.  Is this going to be a reoccurring theme?

Life is crazy and confusing.

Always when updated the blog on Aria’s health the blog was pre-written in my head, sometimes over days or hours.  Now the blogs posts in my head change on an hourly basis.  What I planned to say in the morning changes by the afternoon.

I actually expected that life would get a bit easier now we didn’t live in hospital all the time and live with the extreme stress on having a chronically ill child.  In some ways it is.  In some ways I feel a huge sense of relief that Aria’s fight is over and FINALLY she is safe and I no longer have to feel guilty.

But that reality is that going back to normal life is pretty tough.  Some days are just so bad.  Yesterday actually started off ok and ended up a disaster.  Some days are just bad full stop.

Some days we feel so desperately alone, abandoned and confused.  Other days we just desperately miss Aria.  Some days we feel joyous and blessed.

Asher is struggling a lot and his behaviour stretches our parenting to the limit.  He is really unsettled and needs some routine.  He talks about Aria every day which is really nice.

Grief is such a profoundly unrational thing.  People assumed we feel a particular way about a particular subject and the answer is no we just feel completely devastated about it all the time.  There is very very little ability to be cool calm and collected.  Which is odd because that is how we have been for so many years.

Anyway this post feels like a bunch of random strange sentences that make little sense.

Aria was the sweetest, most bravest girl who loved her family.   She packed a lot of love into those 5 years.

32 Responses to “Still still here”

  1. Fiona McNair says:

    Yip the grief process has us experiencing every emotion there is and as you say some days you feel the lot…….cry buckets…….get into the exercise in one form or another, eat healthy, and find some fun things to do…..and always remember time is a great healer…….and you have the Lord there with you….go well and take good care of yourselves. And when you are over the worst of it go and do your nursing, ok???

  2. iliganoa says:

    Yes, vey true Aria is a very special princess and we are so glad we got to see her experience all her lovely moods and patient endurance throughout her 5 years with us. Praise God for lending her to us all that time. We are a lot richer for knowing her and knowing you all her darling family. May God heal your hearts and bless you abundantly each day. Will pray and keep you in mind daily to say hello and give you hugs, hope you like that. love Noa.

  3. Samantha says:

    Anita, our thoughts and prayers are with you constantly. Don’t beat yourself up. The grieving process is a strange and stressful one but allow yourselves to feel and work through the emotions that you need to. And know that you and your family are being lifted up in prayer constantly. And little Aria is shining down on you from Heaven, happy and pain free in her Heavenly Father’s arms. We love you all and lift you up in prayer everyday.

  4. CariO says:

    I still think about your family a lot. There is no easy solution unfortunately to ease the pain of grief. Aria was an incredibly brave little girl and she had the best family she could ask for. You were both blessed to have each other in your lives. You will feel like you are on a roller coaster ride but know that you have the support of family and friends and of course our Lord who will nurture you and guide you, in ways you won’t even realise. When you feel lonely, confused or abandoned, always find solace in friends and family. People are only too willing to lend an ear and their heart. Your lives were filled with gorgeous Aria and her care. I am sure she will want for you to be ok and for you to feel ok about your feelings. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh and now it is time for you to take the love and support of those around you. Bless your family and take care of each other.

  5. Jenni says:

    I’m a follower of your blog (lives); and tho I rarely comment I often think of you. Grief affects us all differently and it is a process that we cant rationalize; only walk through it in the hands of the Lord. You have been so strong for so long, and tho He strengthens our hands and hearts for the journey it still takes its toll on us emotionally, physically, mentally. The testimony of your lives has touched me deeply; and I pray that during this time that Jesus would refresh you, heal you and prepare you for the next part of your journey as a family. Thinking of you and praying for you – hope you start to have more good days than bad 🙂

  6. Lisa Robertson says:

    Much Much love to you – I still think of your little girl every single day. I always waited for your blog updates to see how Aria was doing… it has been a daily habit for many years now, and now I still find myself waiting, but now to see how her Mum & Dad and brother are doing…. You are all very much in my thoughts.
    Drastic changes in our lives, and loss are something that don’t heal easily… and it’s not easy to see an end to grief sometimes… somehow though we keep moving, but I don’t know how.
    Hold tight to each other MacDonalds… sending you lots of love and hugs from the Robertsons xxx

  7. Coralie says:

    Anita, Aria is such a special little soul. When I think about her it brings a smile to my face (and a tear). Aria had such purpose in life, I think that is the big thing I feel when I think of her, she made everything feel so worthwhile! Thank you Anita, Hamish and Asher for sharing Aria with us all.

    Love Coralie.

  8. Heather says:

    Anita…you are in my thoughts often. You were so strong for Aria. Now it is time for you to lean on others until you find your way again. Grief doesn’t go away. My experience of it is that over time you find that you live a little easier with it. The raw edges will soften. Be kind to yourself. Hugest hugs xxx

  9. Carolyn O'Cain says:

    My heart breaks for all of you. I am praying for His peace that passes all understanding and His all-sufficient grace. I would love to be able to make it easier for you, but only our Lord can do that and He will. Showers of His greatest blessings to you all. In His great and mighty love…

  10. Cary Farrington (GRC) says:

    Thank you for your honesty. Watching(reading)you life has been and continues to be an encouragement to me. I continue to pray for your family and thank our Great God for you all.

  11. Sherry Boyle says:

    Your sweet Aria touched many hearts on this earth, including mine. You have experienced a tremendous loss, one no parent should have to experience. Yet you have, and so has your little son. If you all are not in counseling, I encourage you to do so soon. Children can benefit greatly from play therapy with a competent, Christian counselor. I continue to pray for you and your family, knowing that one day you will see Aria again and be with her for all eternity.

  12. Lisa says:

    Hang in there. God is mightier and is carrying you.

  13. chrissy Hallberg says:

    You are all doing this grief thing so well(normal)blessings to you three darlings and your extended family,chrissy

  14. Taryn says:

    We’re all still here, too, Anita, loving you guys. We were in Omaha with Cordell and Carol and all the family, and we talked often of Aria and you all. We’re praying for you on this messy and healing journey of grief. We’ll especially be keeping Asher in prayer as he finds his new rhythm and works through his confusion and grief. I thank Jesus that He came to heal the broken-hearted (Isa. 61).

  15. Joan Marshall says:

    Than you for continuing your blog. Grief is such a random procedure and no-one can tell how you are going to feel, let alone how you “should” feel. Just go with the flow and accept how you feel on the day and realise that you spent so much time with Aria and in fact most of your life revolved around her so don’t expect to adjust overnight. Take the time for you all.

  16. lorraine says:

    It must be so hard to find the macdonalds new pathway in life, after your five year journey with your darling aria. What you are feeling, and all the ups and downs, and the changes in wee Ashers behaviour are totally normal and so hard to walk with. Be encouraged by the knowledge that this will all lessen over time, and keep talking and praying and feeling and crying and screaming (when you can) and singing and laughing it all out. This is the only way through the long, long journey you have been on, and the heartbreaking loss you have suffered. I also lost a child many years ago, and had to find my way thru it with my husband and 2 year old. It was not any easy time but one day you come to realise that you are feeling more settled and your heart is easing. You will never forget little Aria, and she will be with you always on you journey of life. Holding you all in my heart.

  17. Susan Keam says:

    Big, long, strong hugs for the MacDonald family. Aria truly was/is a bright star and a blessing. You’re not forgotten. You have done a fantastic job with your family. Hang in there together. God loves you and is watching over you, and never asks us to take on more than we can cope with (even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time).

  18. Joyce says:

    Just a word to tell you that your family are still in my prayers.I believe you are experincing all the normal grief. Everyone is different and feelings can change in a moment so just hang in there and try to let the Lord give you strength.He has a way of healing all hurt in his own way.None of us will ever forget your dear family and all the courage and faith you showed us.May little Asher also find this peace.

  19. Judy Palmer says:

    I pray every day that you will find peace and that Asher will come to understand that Aria is in the arms of Jesus and is completely healed and happy. Keep trusting in God and you will start to feel better in time. It is nearly 6 months since my darling husband left me and I still have moments when I think I can’t bear the pain but then I remember he is now pain free and with the Lord forever. Hang in there and it will get easier. Blessings to you all, Judy.

  20. Bland family says:

    So pleased you are back blogging Anita. It’s wonderful to read your words and your words are always exactly right for you, and everything you have experienced and are experiencing. Life is so often strange and unpredictable and grief-filled and odd – Love and God are not any of these things. Those days when you feel joyous and blessed for no apparent reason, those are precious moments of peace, and I believe God sends them to comfort us during our time here.

    Go with what you feel right with – rollercoaster emotions sound about right for this time. So much has happened, so much to recover from. How you must miss your special precious girl, while at the same time being glad she is with Jesus and in no pain. There’s two very conflicting emotions right there.

    Things will settle for Asher, and I am going to pray specifically for that. Sending you so much love, from me and all my family XXXX

  21. jen says:

    one day at a time

    your not alone the many people above who have left comments prove this

    and God is always right beside you

  22. EVE GILKES says:

    So good to hear from you again.
    I have not walked where you are walking, so I can only imagine what you are still going through.
    Whatever happens, no matter how you feel, GOD IS STILL WITH YOU.
    God gave us time ……. and that is one of His greatest healers.
    I don’t think you will ever get over the loss (heaven’s gain) of Aria, it will come and go in all sorts of ways …… but it will lessen at times. You will remember the fun times you had with her and laugh.
    I pray God’s peace, comfort, love and joy into your lives.
    With my love ……. God bless you.

  23. Mary says:

    Yes Aria was an amazing child, brave, courageous and intelligent far beyond her tender years. Her short wonderful life touched and affected so many people, so many of whom neither she nor you met. But our prayers are with you still and we still hold you in our hearts. My prayer now for you is also for peace, comfort and joy in your lives.

  24. Linda Crosbie says:

    Hi Anita, Asher and Hamish. I offer you the following passage I have read recently.

    From ‘The Bear Necessities of Grief’ – Duane S Montague

    You have begun a journey you did not choose to take. While this new road will take you many places, some unfamiliar and frightening, remember that you are not alone….You will experience pain and loss, memories and “what-might-have-beens”. Go through each of these feelings and emotions – don’t be afraid of them. There really is no way out of grief, there is only a way through it……

  25. Linda Crosbie says:

    This is a further passage I have read and is what I know I experienced through my own grief.

    Please Be Patient With Me

    I’m going through a period of difficult transition
    Life has placed me in a rather difficult position
    My mind and mood are going through a period of stress
    My present and my future I am trying to assess
    Life is not smooth and even as it’s been before
    I’ve got to find direction, life’s alternatives to explore
    I’ve got to straighten out my life and struggle to adjust
    I’ve got to realign my purpose, refine my thrust
    I can’t be captive to the past or slave to moments lost
    I cannot mourn the lesions learned or fret about their cost
    As I approach the future, there is much I cannot foresee
    I hope you’ll try to understand, I hope you will bear with me

    Lots love and know you have people praying for you. Xxxx

  26. stephanie says:

    Wow. Love to you guys — it’s just so much. Hurting for all of you. She did pack a lot of love into those five years. What a beautiful girl.

  27. Erika White says:

    Oh Anita… I cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I can barely look at pictures of sweet Aria without tearing up. I overheard a conversation in the c-store this week in which a resident announced the name of his newborn daughter – “Aria”. I felt my stomach in my throat & had to pause to catch my breath. Every thought of your sweet little girl brings both joy & immense sorrow. And I am just a bystander… a casual friend at best. I’m completely unable to comprehend where it all takes you. There are no words to make it better, it’s so wrong & unfair. In all my life I’ll never understand. I appreciate your faith, though, in knowing one day you’ll have answers – one day after your time here has come to an end. Until then I pray you feel God’s loving embrace & that His presence brings comfort in knowing Aria is well cared for in your absence… until you can all be together again. Love to you my friend!! xoxoxo

  28. Emma Abrahams says:

    Oh Anita! Bless you guys! And thank you for sharing that. I’ve been trying to imagine how you must be feeling now, but it is impossible. Just know my prayers and thoughts are still with you guys.

  29. laura says:

    Anita, you were given the grace to be cool, calm & collected when you needed to be. Praise God for that! You had to make, sometimes, life changing decisions, and you needed clear heads. That “living on the edge”, though, takes a physical, emotional, mental, spiritual toll. When you no longer need to live on a knife’s edge, balancing everything perfectly, not only does reaction set in, and exhaustion on every level, but you have to find a new “normal” balance. Give your minds & bodies the time to recover. You don’t have to accomplish the world right now, or even in a month. Do some mind numbing, blob out things, and give yourselves permission to do it. Get free DVD’s from the library that help you travel the world, without requiring any emotional input (like comedies or trajedies – you don’t need those). Make sandcastles extraordinaire with Asher. Read restful books. Remember that an exhausted marathon runner, at the end of the race, collapses to the ground, needing water, nourishment & rest. He does not run a marathon again the next day. He awaits rejuvination, and that means time & healing. So love you all. Praying for you…you may feel confused, but you are NOT abandoned or alone – cling to that.

  30. R od & Margaret says:

    Praying for you all – hang in there the old cliche time is a wonderful healer really is true. It is such a blessing to know that Aria is safe in the arms of Jesus, free from all pain. She, and yourselves became such a big part of our lives and only the other day we were wondering how you were doing. Grief has to run its course and as others have said, don’t be concerned how long this takes but know you have the love and prayers of SO many at this time. xxx

  31. Tiffany Keller says:

    I know nothing I can say will ease your pain exactly, but I hope you know that I am praying for you, and will never quit praying for you! Your family is always in my thoughts and prayers! God Bless!

  32. Cousins Kathleen & Anita says:

    Did you ever find the book “The Shack”? Perhaps this is the time to read it. It has the amazing capacity to shift paradigms and in so doing gives the ability to see life from a different angle. But prepare yourself for something totally unconventional and not at all “religious”!Look forward to the feedback!

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“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”- Jeremiah 29:11