Why now?
The past six weeks have been fairly brutal. Â This puesdomonas has really knocked us for a six. Â American translation- kinda like hitting a home run in the bad way. Â This is really the first significant hiccup since Aria’s 2nd transplant. Â A hiccup that could have long term implications or not.
My head is blank, there are no verses, there are no prayers. Â Well there are prayers I guess although I feel like my faith is in free fall. Â Why now? Â We have been thru so much and there have been countless miracles yet my mind seems blank, like my memory is short and I can only think of this moment. Â Feel sad and stupid all at the same time.
I feel like God might be asking us to go back to a life of bouncing in and out of hospital. Â I can’t do it! Â I can’t! Â And the reality is that should that become the case, there is a finite period of time because this is a super bug.
Personally, I find hospital life really tough.  I struggle with the loneliness.  A four year old during the day for company and a two year old at night.  Do you know I actually get resentful and annoyed when Hamish walks Asher and I to the car at night and some poor person happens to get on the elevator with us.  Innocent person has no idea that they are interrupting the only face to face private time I get with my husband.  Don’t worry I don’t give them the death stare or anything!  Just my heart sinks a bit.
Sometimes I try and count my blessings. Â At least I have this this and this. Â But then I remember that I don’t have this this and this. Â And I want THAT. Â I want to enjoy the festive season and look forward to christmas. Â I want to go home. Â I want to have my family around to help us. Â I want my house to be magically tidy and my dinner cooked when I get home. Â I mostly want to be content in all things yet I find myself resentful in all things.
Someone else should be doing this.  This journey is a privilege wasted on me because I am short sighted.  I have seen to much and know to much and feel to much.  What is left to be said?
44 Responses to “Why now?”
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# 5 Dec at 11:15 pm
I don’t believe you are short sited Anita if you were i don’t think you would have embarked on this journey of seeking transplantation for your daughter and uprooting your young family to the USA, that definately shows forethought and long sightedness.
I don’t want to be rattling off christian cliche’s but one thing i’ve really had to surrender to lately is the whole his ways are not our ways… and if this means your life is becoming the revolving door in and out of hospital, while you say you can’t do it, you can, you will get a supernatural strength, there will be some how you will get through it all. So whatever his ways are, will be unfolded, and i guess it’s something where we just purely have to go OK God i’m trusting you and leave it at that…
Will as always continue to pray for Aria and for you guys as a family.. I wish you all a happy festive season and I hope there’s some type of christmas miracle for you all..
# 6 Dec at 12:11 am
Anita and Hamish, I cannot imagine what you go through and how you hold it together at all. You are so strong and wonderful. Please know that I am always marvelling at you and what you are going through.
All my love and hugs and thoughts.
# 6 Dec at 12:42 am
Anita, we so appreciate your honesty and willingness to share your lives with so many of us – even though you have not met some of us in person. We rejoice with you all when there is good news, ache with you when things are tough, and pray for you all, asking that you will know the rest Jesus offers to those who are weary, and His peace that passes all understanding.
# 6 Dec at 1:09 am
This, out of all your posts, has affected me most…and has driven me to finally reply. I cant offer you anything though except a cyber hug – but if you can imagine it, it is a huge hug and a very long one too with maybe a few tears thrown in!
# 6 Dec at 1:10 am
Anita, it is so good that you are able to be honest. You know, if I could I’d come on over and tidy your house and cook your tea. Hang in there sweetheart xx
# 6 Dec at 1:13 am
Ah how I wish I could help, how I wish it were all easier for you all. Sending you tons of love xxxx
# 6 Dec at 1:14 am
Anita I love your honesty. You inspire me every day. What you do is truly amazing. Just remember the only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next. Try not to look to far ahead and become overwhelmed. You, Hamish and the family are in my thoughts, heart and prayers. Stay strong. Lisa
# 6 Dec at 1:21 am
The past six weeks have been brutal… From where I sit, the largest part of the last four years have been brutal for all of you. You are enduring daily, weekly, monthly and yearly trials I cannot even imagine or comprehend.
All I have in return are virtual hugs. They are no real help – I wish there was some way I could bring *real* help about – but I’ll send them anyway. xx
# 6 Dec at 1:23 am
Sending you so many hugs. I hear you and I wish I could help more somehow. It is a lonely journey for you both and you have had so many ‘tasters’ of a normal type life that how could you not resent the hospital life even more. Wishing you peace in your heart and soul. Lots of love hun x
# 6 Dec at 1:25 am
Oh Anita! It is hard to imagine just what you have been thru even after reading your posts. You both have such inner strength just one day at a time I guess even that is hard at the moment. You have my very warmest wishes. Be who you are and it is ok to be overwhelmed at times.
# 6 Dec at 1:41 am
Anita & family. I have been following Arias progress from day 1. I totally admire your courage, strength & beliefs…. & I have prayed to MY God (Billy Fury) for strength for your family and a full recovery for Aria. Please know, you are in MANY peoples thoughts & hang on in there. I feel your desperation right now. I am (at this present moment in time). I am waiting for the birth of my 2nd Grand daughter)Any minute!!! I know you would rather take the pain of your children than have them suffer. Lotzaluv. Moya. XXX PS. If there is ANYTHING & I mean ANYTHING I can do – PLEASE let me know. M x
# 6 Dec at 1:42 am
dear Anita-it makes my heart sad to hear you so unhappy and ‘letting it all out’ but you CAN be unhappy and you CAN let it all out-you are after all human like all of us but for some reason you have this dreadfully hard journey that the Lord is taking you and Hamiish and Asher and Aria on-in all of this while you suffer, your journey is touching the souls and spirits of so many people all over the world-it is inspiring people to ‘carry on’ to ‘overcome’ to ‘trust in God’ to ‘believe’ to ‘have faith’ to ‘surrender to God’ We all wish for total healing for Aria and a ‘normal’ happy family life for you all but God’s ways are not our ways and we just don’t have the answers or the reasons-we will all keep on praying for you and holding you up before the Lord, for strength, for rest, for joy, for victory-God bless you all-don’t ever think He is not watching over you every second of the day-hang in there-love from Jeannie
# 6 Dec at 2:02 am
I am so glad you are honest about where you are at Anita- and I dearly wish there was something we could say to help ease the burden. But- having never walked in your shoes- I feel like anything I could say- would be meaningless really- but I just hope you feel the love of all of us who are following your journey- and most of all- God’s love. Easy to say from where I am- but I don’t think I could ever have walked your road as bravely as you guys. Bless you HEAPS
# 6 Dec at 2:21 am
Dear Anita – our hearts ache for you. We immediately prayed as I guess all your other friends have done asking for the Lord to be SO close to you and Hamish at this time. You are an amazing couple and such an inspiration to us all. It’s okay to share with friends how you feel – we’re all here to support you and “hold up the arms that hang down ….” (Heb.12:12). Our God is bigger than any superbug – we’ll pray this through! “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you” (1 Peter 5:7). “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). I am putting you on our church Prayer Link tonight. xxx
# 6 Dec at 2:38 am
What a roller-coaster ride life is, Anita! I empathise with your pain. I have a severely anorexic/bulimic 26 year old daughter. I am helpless in the face of her determination to starve herself. Either she refuses to eat, or she throws up what she has eaten. All we can do is take each day as it comes. I read each blog you post and rejoice with you when all is well…then there are the other times! But we do get through them. And it is okay to be angry and confused.
# 6 Dec at 2:52 am
Oh man Anita I cannot even begin to imagine what this is like for you. Just want to give you a big hug!
# 6 Dec at 2:53 am
Rod & Margaret’s comment above reminded me of when Moses was too tired to keep on holding up his arms over the battle with the Amelekites in Exodus 17. When his arm(s) were held high, the Israelites prevailed, when they got tired, the Amelekites had advantage. When Moses couldn’t manage any longer his brother Aaron and friend Hur helped to hold up his arms, so that the battle could be won. Anita, we don’t know each other, but rest assured that when you are too tired, there are many of us, your family, real friends and internet friends who are metaphorically holding up your arms. We can’t be you, we can’t do the amazing things only you can do, but we can love and pray and trust that the Lord will give you extra strength to carry on. And one minute will turn into another minute and you will get there.
Love Larry
# 6 Dec at 3:03 am
Dear Anita. I am so sorry for your pain. You must feel so fed up and weary. It’s so natural that you want to go home; we would love you to be able to come home to your family and friends. All I can send you from this far is LOVE, lots and lots and lots of it. I pray you may feel it from all of us, your family in Christ, though you don’t know us. WE LOVE YOU dear Anita. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Kia Kaha. LOVE TO YOU.
# 6 Dec at 3:37 am
Hi Anita, I hope its some encouragement to know that when there are no more prayers in your mind or heart that you have a whole heap of people around the world lifting you guys up in prayer. Much love, Jen
# 6 Dec at 3:55 am
Dear Anita, Another friend here who you don’t know but feeling your frustration and I guess at times anger too that you have come this far and for this to be happening. Your honesty amazes me,and helps me to understand just where you are at and what we need to pray for for you and Hamish. Of course we pray for Aria but you need to know that we are praying for your state of mind to. Have you ever read the poem footprints in the sand. God will carry you through this with his strength, He will give you energy you never knew you had just as he has done in past days weeks and months gone by. We are happy when we hear good news but we have cried with you when it has been bad. You might not feel it at the moment but The Lord is with you.
Love Lois
# 6 Dec at 4:26 am
Dearest Anita I am another who you don’t know but who feels I know you. I love your honesty, ache for you and also send a huge virtual hug. I too so wish I could help lighten the burden of the everyday things that still need doing, no matter what. Dearest girl, apart from the mental and emotional toll this takes on you, I’m guessing that you are also physically exhausted at the moment. I also so understand how it feels when some inconsiderate individual (joke) intrudes on your precious private time. I can do nothing except send you love and prayers and pray that darling Aria beats this bug and you can get back home.
# 6 Dec at 5:26 am
Anita, you sound exhausted! No one’s brain can work when they are as tired as you! Remember that the Holy Spirit intercedes for you with groans even when we aren’t sure what to ask for. The Lord hasn’t gone anywhere – He is still with you! And look at your little girl! How cool to see her a ton better.
The Lord knows the desires of your heart more than anyone Anita. You sound like you need time with Hamish, and have your family with you. So with us all praying for you tonight/today, I pray that those desires will come into being quickly and you will get some energy restored.
Your humanness is a special gift you give us…don’t ever stop! I know for me it helps me to pray more specifically.
May going home be very special today. Love JO
# 6 Dec at 8:27 am
(((((Anita)))))))) as a transplant mom and mother of four,all of whom have chronic illness, our youngest still recovering from a Bone marrow transplant and eventually needing a small bowel..my heart goes out to you. Your words are so sincere and so completely reasonable and understandable. I think many of us would say it almost exactly in the same terms. You are not suffering short term memory loss or ungratitude..in fact the horrors in your memory are too fresh and raw and the fear of what you have been through too close. You are a wonderful Momma and wife and you are doing a remarkable job. The stark contrast of your home life outside the hospital even tho so far from your real home, to hospital life is like comparing bitter vinegar to honey..Who can blame you for this well expressed torment. Certainly not I! Live in the moment as you have so well and we will all pray you are at least home in your Nebraska home very soon, making the best of a very hard situation and getting to enjoy and cherish some of the magic of this Advent season. God Bless you and your precious family, you all remain in my prayers,
LeeAnne
# 6 Dec at 8:37 am
Your faithfulness has lifted me up so many times that I can never convey what your witness has been to me. I feel the Lord has put you there for my sake. I feel like the Christmas season has so many sad memories for me that I feel like a scrooge and have to remind myself that Jesus was born on that day and he has saved me by his stripes. It is ok to be sad and downhearted but remember he has never left your side. He has a plan for Aria and you,Hamish and Asher.We just pray for strength for all of you and especially some much needed rest. I pray for Aria especially today that he may do another miracle in her little life as he has done many times this past year.
# 6 Dec at 8:50 am
Thank you for pouring out your heart. I can’t even comprehend the life you have had to live the past 4 years. And yet….I know (as you do too!) that all of this hasn’t happened in vain. There IS purpose behind every victory as well as the set backs. It’s hard however because we don’t see the ‘why’s’ behind it all. I love you guys so much and will pray extra hard for you. It’s been SUCH a long year for your family….filled with endless ups and downs!! However, what a tremendous comfort knowing HE has never left your side. HE’s holding on to you and will NEVER……let go!
Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint. O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? (Ps. 6)
But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD for He has been GOOD to me!!!! (Ps 13)
# 6 Dec at 10:11 am
love you Anita, and your family. praying with you during this hard time. it is so so so so hard, and we only did it for a few weeks. God can heal Aria, even from superbugs. it’s okay to run out of verses and prayers. that’s when your friends and family can lift you up more than ever. praying that God draws near to you, heals Aria, gives you precious time with your family, and cleans your house… or something like that (: Lindsey & family
# 6 Dec at 10:16 am
Please know that, as I pray for you and your family, I have come to understand your challenges. As I pray for y’all and several other transplant families, just know that I’ve heard your cries before. God is good and the walk is hard. Crawl up into His lap and tell him your heart. Rest there as His peace fills you. He is the only way you and yours will complete this journey you are on. Even though my journey now is so hard (though not a transplant journey), my hope rests in Him. He is the only way to make it through. I am praying fervently for each of you. Great is HIs faithfulness. He will carry you through.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
In His mighty love,
Carolyn O’Cain
# 6 Dec at 10:50 am
Sweet Anita! My heart breaks as your heart breaks. I can’t comprehend all that you have been through and continue to go through. But I know the Lord is your strength. Is there continuing to walk this road (easy and hard) with you. He is stronger than any bug that threatens to take away family time. He continues to be in the center of your life and Aria’s life. Praying extra hard that you all are home for Christmas. Lots of love and Blessings!
# 6 Dec at 1:04 pm
Dear, Sweet, Anita … I am another friend whom you have never met. Nobody can comprehend what you have been and what you are currently going through (all of you). All I can say is that it is ok to feel the way you are feeling. When you don’t know what to pray or how to pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes on your behalf with groans which we don’t understand, but God does. And know that it is all getting too much for you now and it’s ok to feel like that, don’t beat yourself up about it. That is when all your friends and family (even the friends like me that you have never met) are carrying you, Aria, Amish and Asher in prayer and lifting you up on wings of eagles and asking God to be closer to you now than He’s ever been … that you may actually feel His presence and His love. We truly pray that you will have a Christmas miracle and that precious Angel Aria and you will be home with Amish and Asher for your beautiful Christmas together. We are all with you on this hard journey you’re travelling, you are not alone. And also remember, God will never leave you nor forsake you. Blessings from SA xxx
# 6 Dec at 4:52 pm
Isn’t it hard when that terrifying question “Why” is met with an even more terrifying silence?
In that silence I hear a very gentle whisper: “Don’t ask ‘why’. Just trust Me. I understand, I know, because I carried your emotionl pain and confusion on the Cross. Come close. Hold My Hand.”
I feel the splash of a tear on my hand as I take His. I look up and see He is weeping with me and that is just so, so comforting.
# 6 Dec at 5:36 pm
Dear Anita, Hamish, Aria and Asher,
My heart goes out to you all. It is good to read your letter, you are so natural, many of us in your situation would bottle it all up. You are amazing you have opened yourselves up completely to us, complete strangers, I feel so privileged and so uplifted too by your faith.
1 Thessalonians 5 v 16 – 18. “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” I have found this verse 18 ‘Give thanks in all circumstances ……’ such a help, even in the most challenging of times (nothing like what you have been through) …… at times making me laugh with God.
I continue to pray for strength, help, support, comfort, peace from our heavenly Father.
Eve
# 6 Dec at 8:35 pm
You have so many loved ones thinking and praying for you. They will hold up your hands when you are too weak to praise. In your honesty and transparency I am truly humbled. Bless you Anita and whanau xx
# 6 Dec at 8:59 pm
Add us to the list that are praying for you. Thank you for your openess and honestly. No one can really put ourselves in your shoes, so we can only imagine what it must be like. Just know that you are loved and that you have touched so many lives. Our God is bigger than ALL of this and He loves you and cares for you all so much. Remember, when we can not find words to pray, the Holy Spirit prays for us. Hang in there sweetheart!
# 6 Dec at 9:26 pm
Like King David, the waters are up to your neck
Psalm 69
Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
But God brought him through so that he could give honour and glory to God
The LORD hears the needy
and does not despise his captive people.
Let heaven and earth praise him,
the seas and all that move in them,
for God will save Zion
and rebuild the cities of Judah.
Then people will settle there and possess it;
the children of his servants will inherit it,
and those who love his name will dwell there.
God is there for you. You are all in our thoughts and prayers
# 6 Dec at 9:44 pm
Tears are falling for you Anita, Hamish, Ashe and princess Aria; Nothing is impossible with our God, everything you prayed for will be done; Ask me anything and I will do it – Jesus. John 14:14. I love you all, angels are there to minister to all your needs Psslm 91 amen.
# 7 Dec at 2:34 am
Hamish & Anita, everyone has put such encouraging, inspired comments above I don’t know what else to say. THANK YOU for being so open and honest. Sometimes you seem too faithful to be true! You really do have such a hard journey and the things that you want in your post are things that most of us take so much for granted (except for the cleaning/cooking fairy!) that we don’t know how hard that must be. Please know that there are oh so many who love you and pray for you and share your burdens daily in spirit. Take heart, for the Lord your God is with you.
Big huge hugs. xxx
# 7 Dec at 2:58 am
You are an inspiration even in your desperation. God has brought you this far by His grace, his grace is infinite. Slip you hand into His, and feel His strength. He will carry you all, and we will continue to pray for you all.
# 7 Dec at 4:00 am
Anita, Hamish, Aria and Asher, you have all been through so much, and so far away from home and all that you know and have depended on for support and strength in the past. It is ok to feel at the end of your tether, to feel it has all been so hard, and to express that you feel this way. Just rest, and let this situation be with you without judgement of yourself as not ok, or somehow having to be coping better. You are all amazing, and this journey has been so long, with pathways left and right, and to places you would never have chosen but have had to go.
Just be proud of yourselves and your wee angel Aria is a shining star. Holding you all in my heart. Lorraine
# 7 Dec at 5:14 am
Dear Anita, I hear you, and just would love to take some pain away. Romans 8:26,27 It is great to know that Jesus Himself is interceding for His children….” We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express”….Know that God is with you. Lots of love the Sonnevelds
# 7 Dec at 11:01 am
Love you guys. Praying for your hurting hearts.
# 7 Dec at 2:49 pm
Hi Macdonald family
Watch this powerful performance of God’s love in the world. Very moving and awe inspiring.
Love to you all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXh7JR9oKVE
# 7 Dec at 7:20 pm
Thank you for being so honest. My heart hurts for you and yours. Even though you think you can’t make it another step – you can! Because the alternative is just unacceptable. You all have come SO FAR! Remember what was going on this time last year?
You are loved and you are blessed.
# 8 Dec at 1:25 am
I so know exactly what you are saying and it is okay to feel the way you do today. Tomorrow will feel better but feeling it today is fine. One thing I have learnt over my journey which at times to seems to never end is that I must bring up how I am thinking and truely FEEL it just by doing that process seems to help somehow. I am walking this with you keep strong love Jan
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