2011 August - Aria MacDonald

We have pretty much unpacked into our new place.  At least all the stuff we want to unpack, there is still lots in the garage to sift though.

We love the house, it is pretty fab.

Moving into a semi permanent place has been incredibly difficult.  I finally I understand now when people say they are afraid to start crying because they feel they may never stop.  It feels like Aria should be here and she really isn’t.  The sense of moving on is so hard.  Seeing her stuff is so hard.  Missing her is so hard.

It brings up all kind of hard questions.  Like – why did her bone marrow fail?  Why did God rescue her from a failed 2nd transplant and gift her wonderful working organs only to take her a year later?  Why did He do that?  Even if we had just gotten her back to NZ, even for a year, it wouldn’t of felt like we were so desperately robbed.

Yes Aria is in heaven, freed from her body that didn’t work quite right.  But it did work for a good period of time post transplant and it could of kept working for many years.

Actually- here is some home truth- I don’t care she is in heaven, I just want her back with us.  Yup I am selfish, because being back on earth isn’t something she would want or wish.  But I want and wish it.

But some more truth is this.  I am 100% convinced without a doubt she is in heaven and I am 100% sure I will see her again, grownup and beautiful and perfect.  And not because I am a good person or perhaps she was.  But because the only thing I have to cling too is that God put Himself in my grieving place and sacrificed His Son for me.  Jesus’s death makes me perfect and I get to enter heaven.

Not that God and I are on good terms right now.  Actually I feel He is patiently loving and providing for me while I ignore Him and question His goodness to my family by robbing us of a daughter, sister, granddaughter and niece.

Yeah, so not much faith inspiration in this post!  But I share this because it is a process, God holds me and not I Him.  I just don’t know how He plans to pull me out of this dark dark valley.

Today and tomorrow is moving day at our new place.  It was delayed a week while painting and maintenance was completed.

We started shifting boxes yesterday from our friends garage.  They kindly stored them for us for nearly two years, thanks friends.

Hamish did two runs in the car and Asher and I were at the house opening them up.

Asher was well pleased.  All these toys that he didn’t remember, it was like Christmas.

I got a few comments last week that I might find the process of opening boxes exciting, like Christmas.  I hoped it would be the case but in my heart I doubted it.

I stood in the kitchen yesterday overwhelmed with all our stuff, musty linen, dusty plates, the odd spider.  My heart overwhelmed with our life represented by stuff.  A life that Aria was very much a part of and now she isn’t.  I wanted to throw it all out and start again.  But I can’t, we must press on.

We packed up all this stuff (well Hamish’s mum did really) with such hope and expectation.  That we were leaving for Omaha seeking life for Aria.  We now return to NZ without her.  Our mission failed and we return with nothing, just broken hearts and a huge gaping void in our life.  How do we go on without our girl?

So Asher and I are at the beach today and Hamish continues the work, thankfully he finds the memories helpful.

We have a house!

We are really pleased, it is really nice and ticks all the boxes.  And it is a private rental- no agents to deal with or fees to pay!! It is great and we are excited to move in.

We get the keys on Monday and can start moving.  If you have muscles or a truck or trailer please flick us as email. Or if you would like to unpack a box or two that would be great too.  We have the interested job of remembering what was packed up almost two years ago and collecting it from all the lovely people that stored it for us.

It feels hard to be moving on without Aria and not shopping for a few pink/purple/orange items for her room.  We brought Asher these cool farm animal fairy lights.  They had pink cupcake ones there too…..  I miss having a daughter, I miss Aria….

Yup we are still here.  Is this going to be a reoccurring theme?

Life is crazy and confusing.

Always when updated the blog on Aria’s health the blog was pre-written in my head, sometimes over days or hours.  Now the blogs posts in my head change on an hourly basis.  What I planned to say in the morning changes by the afternoon.

I actually expected that life would get a bit easier now we didn’t live in hospital all the time and live with the extreme stress on having a chronically ill child.  In some ways it is.  In some ways I feel a huge sense of relief that Aria’s fight is over and FINALLY she is safe and I no longer have to feel guilty.

But that reality is that going back to normal life is pretty tough.  Some days are just so bad.  Yesterday actually started off ok and ended up a disaster.  Some days are just bad full stop.

Some days we feel so desperately alone, abandoned and confused.  Other days we just desperately miss Aria.  Some days we feel joyous and blessed.

Asher is struggling a lot and his behaviour stretches our parenting to the limit.  He is really unsettled and needs some routine.  He talks about Aria every day which is really nice.

Grief is such a profoundly unrational thing.  People assumed we feel a particular way about a particular subject and the answer is no we just feel completely devastated about it all the time.  There is very very little ability to be cool calm and collected.  Which is odd because that is how we have been for so many years.

Anyway this post feels like a bunch of random strange sentences that make little sense.

Aria was the sweetest, most bravest girl who loved her family.   She packed a lot of love into those 5 years.

We are still here!

Our little family just got back from taking a holiday from taking a break.  We spent about 5 days in the beautiful Coromandel, Hahei to be exact.  So beautiful!  Of course technically it is winter.  But I now know that winter in Auckland really isn’t winter at all.  Real winter is blizzards and -30 C degrees!!

We holidayed with our nephews and Hamish’s sister and her husband.  The days were lively with 4 boys and all that that entails and the nights were filled with lots of talking, card playing and eating a bit to much yummy NZ chocolate.

We came back feeling refreshed and a feeling a bit better.

Right now we are trying to find a house back closer to town.  It is a frustrating job but we are trying to remember God will provide.  I feel guilty that I stress about this given how much God has done for us but after the 3rd phone call to a rude rental agent one can get discouraged.

Right now there are a billion things to post about.

Last night we watched a little video of Aria for the first time since she died.  We heard her voice and listened to her make a little joke and saw her smile.  We miss her so much.  I wished she was here.  Asher asked me today ‘Is Aria going to come back to the world and play playdoh with me?’  I wish Ashie, I wish.  But she is much happier in heaven.